Tillerson Says He Wants to Head ICC

Former US Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, has expressed strong interest in becoming the next Chief Executive Officer of the International Cricket Council, succeeding current CEO David Richardson.

Tillerson declared his interest in heading world cricket’s governing body during a media conference after being fired yesterday by US President Donald Trump.

“Running the International Cricket Council is my ideal job,” declared Tillerson. “It’s rich, it’s corrupt, it ignores people, answers to no one. It’s about shitting on poor countries and appeasing rich ones… I’m perfect for it.”

“Why do you think I accepted the role as Secretary of State in the first place?”

Tillerson stated that he wasn’t happy at the US State Department and was relieved to be fired. “Government isn’t unethical enough for me,” he said. “I need to be back in the corporate world where there’s no oversight. That’s the ICC.”

“Besides, the morons of the ICC can’t possibly be as bad as the fucking moron I worked with for the last year,” said Tillerson, laughing.

When some journalists expressed doubts about Tillerson’s qualifications to be the ICC CEO, Rex was ready. He produced a copy of the position description and proceeded to check off the essential job requirements.

“1. Ignorance of cricket? Check. I’m American. 2. Corporate corruption? Check. I ran Exxon, for Christ’s sake. Oil is the A-game of corruption. 3. Suppressing scandals? Check. What you see from the Trump administration is the tip of the iceberg. 4. Making meaningless statements that have no effect? Check. That was every day in my last job. 5. Looking the other way? Check. See how I handled Russia, Syria, China, Palestine,  you name it.”

While Tillerson’s application may be hard for the ICC to resist, he can expect stiff competition from other strong candidates, including Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“But I have one distinct advantage,” boasted Tillerson. “I wear the highest badge of honour. I’ve been fired by Trump.”

The ICC could not be reached for comment as they were in the middle of their year-long beach vacation.

Member bodies of the ICC have thus far expressed reserved support for Tillerson’s candidacy. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a high ranking Indian cricket official stated that “India would welcome Rex Tillerson to world cricket… provided, of course, that India will continue to receive 85-90% of all revenue, bribery funds and illegal bookmaker proceeds, as has been customary for decades. We will not tolerate fairness, honesty or integrity in the Indian Cricket Council… I mean, International Cricket Council.”

With the exception of Cricket Australia and the England and Wales Cricket Board, other ICC member bodies stated they would back India’s position no matter what, as always.

by John Newell

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