“What are we supposed to do? Make the world’s #1 bowler set a decent example to all the children watching?”
Cricket South Africa is appealing the two-Test suspension of star fast bowler Kagiso Rabada, convinced that its arsenal of petty and illogical schoolyard excuses will sway the ICC.
Rabada had accrued 5 demerit points before the recent Second Test against Australia and earned 3 more when he made contact with Aussie captain Steve Smith after dismissing him. The punishment for amassing 8 demerit points is suspension for two Test matches, as clearly laid down by ICC regulations.
“Clear-cut regulations cut no ice with us,” said South African skipper Faf du Plessis in a media conference. “We’ve got a huge array of childish excuses lined up to smash through all that official crap and get KG back on the field giving opponents inappropriate send-offs.”
du Plessis has said he is prepared to “swear on a stack of bibles” that Rabada did not make deliberate contact with Smith. “He was coming towards me to ask for a mint to polish the ball. That’s all. Totally innocent.”
“And if the ICC won’t listen to us, they can meet me behind the changerooms after practice.”
In explaining away Rabada’s shoulder contact with Smith, the Proteas have already tried the false ‘there was no contact’ argument in their public statements. When that was laughed at, they tried the irrelevant ‘it was just a shirt-to-shirt brush’ ploy. And they claim to have many more bogus excuses lined up.
“We’re going to use all our experience from school days,” claimed du Plessis. “We’ll appeal that Smith is a poopoohead and he started it. We also have witnesses to say that Smith bumped KG and gave him a wedgie.”
“If absolutely necessary, we’ll go for the jugular by bringing up David Warner’s non-suspension for the stairwell incident and whining to the Principal that it’s not fair. If we have to stamp our feet and pout, we’ll do it. Anything but accept responsibility like grownups.”
By pumping out endless streams of immature drivel and outrageous bullshit, the South Africans are appealing to the lowest cricket fans – disaffected Incels and drunken misogynists. While this strategy may seem like a waste of time, Cricket South Africa knows that controlling the social media narrative is essential to Rabada’s fate. After all, spewing schoolyard garbage in social media worked like a charm to mobilize the barely literate and dentally vacant supporters of US President Donald Trump, so there’s every chance it could work to influence the ICC.
Indeed, there are already signs of progress on this front with the Proteas’ childish approach gaining traction with the moron factions that regularly troll the Facebook pages of Cricket South Africa and Cricket Australia. In a remarkable turn of events, the Indian internet trolls who tormented the South Africans during the recent Test and ODI series against India are now working on the Proteas’ side.
“It’s because they hate Australia more than us,” smiled du Plessis.
“We know our arguments are weak as piss. But what are we supposed to do? Apologize? Make the world’s #1 bowler set a decent example to all the children watching? Don’t make me laugh!”
The South Africans appear to have done their homework and will leave no stone unturned in defending Rabada. Even when asked if it wouldn’t be easier for Rabada to apologize and change his ways, du Plessis had a devastating response.
“Apologizing is weak and never leads to anything good. South Africans never apologize.”
“We just want the ICC to settle it fairly. Like let the players arm wrestle to sort it out.”
by John Newell