“This Could Ruin Us” – Kohli’s Rest Threatens CA’s Web Traffic Revenue

Virat Kohli, the Indian captain and world #2 Test batsman, has been rested from the T20I tri-series in Sri Lanka. And Cricket Australia is panicking about what that will do to its internet traffic revenue.

It is well known that a huge portion of CA’s revenue relies on Indian fans visiting its web pages and subsequently trolling the social media comments sections. The more hits the pages get, the more money CA makes. It is equally well known that Kohli, the most talked about cricketer in the world, dominates every discussion of every page and video posted by CA.

Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland described the news of Kohli being rested from the Indian team as “shocking” and “deeply disturbing”.

“Nothing attracts the hundreds of millions of Indian fans to our web pages more than a chance to engage in an online pissing match comparing Virat Kohli with our own Steve Smith,” said Sutherland to the media gathered in Sydney Thursday morning. “This web activity is the lifeblood of Australian cricket. Without that revenue, even for a few weeks, Cricket Australia faces a severe funding crisis.”

“Cricket Australia urges the BCCI in the strongest possible terms to reconsider and reverse the potentially calamitous decision to excuse Kohli from the T20I series so he can rest,” read Sutherland from a prepared statement. “We also urge the ICC to sanction the BCCI for this overly hostile affront to CA’s operations.”

“This could ruin us,” stated CA Chief Financial Officer Todd Shand in an interview with HitWicket.News. “Without Virat Kohli playing, the trolls will stay away and stop bagging Australia’s players. We will have almost no hits on our web pages.”

Cricket Australia is reportedly considering legal action against the BCCI for allowing Kohli to recuperate from being the busiest player in world cricket.

“While Kohli is out,” said Shand, “we’ll have to get a few of our boys to ramp up the aggro sledging Aussie thing even more to ensure the trolls keep coming for them. It will be a tough ask. They’ll have to dig in and be prepared to both sledge and play extremely well all day, every day. They’re doing the best they can in South Africa right now.”

“If we can’t recoup some of the money we’re about to lose, we may have to double the cost of admission tickets in Australia and then bend the players over and try to screw them over the pay issue again. There’s no way we executives will take a pay cut, that’s for sure.”

When asked what CA will do when the day comes that Kohli retires from cricket, Sutherland stated, “We’re confident India can produce another self-appointed god to command the unquestioning, blind, rabid loyalty that Virat does.”

by John Newell

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