In what some have described as the most delicious dose of karma, the Board of Control for Cricket in India is venting its frustration about the Supreme Court’s takeover of its terminally corrupt management.
“They’re just jealous,” claimed BCCI treasurer Anirudh Chaudhry, “because they (the Supreme Court) have to work for a living while we’ve made billions the traditional way – illegally.”
As reported in ESPNCricinfo, “For the first time since being appointed last January (2017) by the Supreme Court, the Committee of Administrators has finally decided to take complete charge of the BCCI… the CoA has arrested all the powers of the current set of office bearers with immediate effect, to avoid any roadblocks that could be raised by the administrators pertaining to the functioning of and decision-making at the BCCI.”
“We’re not even allowed to conduct meetings any more,” complained acting BCCI president CK Khanna. “How can we fix matches, doctor pitches and pilfer all the slush funds under such intolerable conditions?”
“It’s not like we’re the IPL. Surely we’re not THAT crooked.”
The BCCI’s chief concern appears to be that the court will cut off its access to essential services like hookers and cocaine. “Cricket in India will come to a complete standstill without these vital business tools,” stated Chaudhry. “Nothing will get done.”
But the court-appointed Committee of Administrators, which has even taken control of all player contracts, disagrees. “The hookers and cocaine will be in good hands while we sort out this mess,” stated CoA chairman Vinod Rai. “It may take us years to work through everything, but we promise to be thorough.”
The existing BCCI board and management has vowed to fight the Supreme Court and continue business as usual. “Following laws and legal orders has never been our style,” said acting president Khanna between mouthfuls of Beluga caviar. “Clearly, the Supreme Court does not trust us in our jobs. But it’s not like we’re the IPL. Surely we’re not THAT crooked.”
Acting BCCI secretary Amitabh Choudhary struck a more conciliatory tone. “It’s a setback, for sure. All we can do is keep getting our rich BCCI executive buddies elected to the national parliament until we control the courts as well.”
Meanwhile, regular Indian cricket fans are seemingly unfazed by the upheaval. “Since when has the Board of Control for Cricket in India been responsible for administering cricket?” asked one bemused passerby outside BCCI headquarters. “Virat Kohli runs Indian cricket. All we care about is that Kohli is our god and the Australian team are arrogant dogs.”
“Yeah, Steve Smith sucks!” echoed his exuberant friend wearing a Yuvraj Singh shirt.
The high level drama has turned out to be a bonanza for illegal bookmakers. Across all of India, the bookie network has been abuzz setting odds and taking bets over what will happen next in the BCCI saga: who will be dismissed next, who will dismiss him, and how he will be caught out.
“I’ve been calling my contact at the courts looking for inside knowledge,” said a bookmaker who identified himself as Jeff. “From what I hear, they’ll soon have everything fixed. As usual.”
Whatever happens, the crisis for cricket administration in India is set to continue for a long time. BCCI executives are fortifying their positions for a protracted fight.
“We should survive – should,” said Khanna, “as long as we continue to have access to our daily allowance of lobster thermidore, Moët & Chandon and Bollywood dancing girls.”
by John Newell
NOTE: Allegations that the author of this story was influenced by a brown paper bag containing 20 lakh in cash, slipped under a toilet cubicle, are erroneous.
It was more like 35 lakh.