In a sensational development, the International Cricket Council has been charged with bringing the game into disrepute. The charge was issued by the United Nations following the shock news that the ICC had overturned the suspension of South African pace bowler Kagiso Rabada for making deliberate and inappropriate physical contact with Australian skipper Steve Smith.
In an emergency meeting of the UN, member nations voted overwhelmingly for a resolution that included a Level 4 charge, the most serious offence, of bringing the game into disrepute. Only South Africa and India voted against it. If found guilty, the ICC will be suspended for two Test matches. The resolution stated that “in downgrading the charge against Rabada and allowing him to play the next Test match, the International Cricket Council did knowingly, deliberately and cravenly contravene its own rules and encourage players to behave like spoiled assholes”.
Even the world’s most corrupt nation – Russia – did not abstain and expressed its disgust at the ICC’s “pathetically weak lack of moral and intestinal fortitude that will have a profound effect on children watching cricket”. However, there has been speculation that Russia meddled in the judicial hearing process, fueled by the appearance of Cricket South Africa’s acting CEO Thabang Monroe giving a media conference to thank Vladimir Putin and wave a Russian flag.
The ICC has not yet commented officially about the UN charges because executives are still engaged in the complex task of counting and hiding the money received from Cricket South Africa. Following the marathon 6-hour hearing over Rabada’s initial suspension, multiple empty brown envelopes and paper bags were found in toilet cubicles.
In clearing Rabada, ICC Judicial Commissioner Mike Heron QC stated: “I am not ‘comfortably satisfied’ that Mr Rabada intended to make contact (with Smith).” South African officials brought every argument they could think of to the hearing, including several childish ones mentioned days earlier by Proteas captain Faf du Plessis. It is believed they even engaged in distraction tactics by whining about the non-suspension of David Warner over the now-infamous stairwell incident. Heron stated that he was not even convinced that Quinton de Kock’s stairwell comments about David Warner’s wife were over the line, prompting Match Referee Jeff Crowe, who initially suspended Rabada and has been humiliated by this latest decision, to speculate that the QC after Heron’s name stood for “Quinton C*cksucker”.
Cricket Australia has yet to respond officially to the decision, although the words “f*cking gutless c*nt” were heard shouted multiple times through the walls of the Australian team manager’s hotel room.
The decision to clear Rabada has been interpreted in many corners as a green light for international cricketers to display even worse aggressive behaviour on and off the field. Online morons and Incels around the world, who argued with extreme immaturity for Rabada to be cleared – even playing the race card – are already calling for what amounts to a cricket version of Fight Club.
Channel 9 commentator and former Australian captain Ian Chappell believes international incidents and wars will result from this ICC decision, a position shared by the UN. “I said many times that captains have to get their players in line or fisticuffs will ensue,” said Chappell. “But this weak shit over Rabada means it’s on for young and old. Countries will soon go to war over cricketers being dickheads.”
The ICC’s decision on Rabada is expected to have immediate repercussions as the Third Test begins between South Africa and Australia in Cape Town. Protea players now believe they have carte blanche to taunt dismissed batsmen in any way they see fit. “It’s a great day,” gloated skipper Faf du Plessis. “As long as we don’t yell swear words at a dismissed batter, we can do whatever we want. In addition to intimidating shoulder contact, we’ll be sending off each batter with dead arms, wedgies, Chinese arm burners, noogies and Wet Willies. Hell, we’ll even spit our drinks on them and stick the mints we have in our mouths for ball tampering down their pants.”
“If we get cited by the match referee, we now know we can bribe the ICC that it wasn’t intentional.”
To underline his position, du Plessis pointed out that the ruling to upend Rabada’s suspension has earned praise from former international players who either had vested interests in sucking up to the ICC or were afraid of losing social media followers.
It is not the first time the ICC has been cowardly and inconsistent in its decisions about player behaviour. The most famous event, until now, was when India’s Harbhajan Singh racially abused Australia’s Andrew Symonds in 2008. The ICC eventually caved and issued no punishment after India threatened to abandon the tour of Australia and not pony up for 7-figure executive expense accounts.
The ICC has 7 days to respond to the United Nation charges, after which a hearing must be set at the Swiss-based Court of Arbitration for Sport. India’s cricket board is licking its lips at the prospect, seeing this as its chance to finally become the official ruler of cricket, instead of just the puppeteer.
by John Newell